Things I Want (Or Need) To Know

  • Why don’t giraffes get fat?  I mean, have you ever seen a fat one?

  • Most of the Chinese takeout restaurants near where I live have a sign that says “Chinese food to take out.”  A new one opened.  Its sign just says, “Chinese to take out.”  Doesn’t it sound like that one is running a dating service instead of a restaurant?  I know they’re not, but it does to me.

  • Should I be perplexed or impressed?  I made a terrible pun, which is the very best kind.  The pun was deliberate and it was spelled correctly too, but MS Word’s spell-checker still didn’t like it because it was the wrong word.

  • Speaking of contextual spell checking, MS Word’s spell checker tells me takeout is one word, but apparently only if it’s used after the word Chinese.  When did that happen?

  • What the hell is a “crazed sex poodle?”  I can imagine what a sex-crazed poodle would do, and I know who the “crazed sex poodle” is alleged to be, but what the hell is a “crazed sex poodle?”

  • Would anyone watch beach volley ball on TV if the women wore something other than bikinis while playing?

  • Time Life is selling a music collection called “Pop Memories of the 60’s.”  The infomercial has a kinescope of Patsy Cline singing “Crazy.”  I’ve seen that clip before and in it everything looks tilted to the right.  Next time someone uses it on TV, could they please digitize it and straighten it up?

  • My local Pathmark supermarket chains its shopping carts together.  To separate them, so you can use one, you need a quarter or a special token.  You get the quarter back when you put the cart back.  Why do they do this?  If I wanted to steal a cart, twenty-five-cent deposit wouldn’t keep me from doing it.  Getting my quarter back wouldn’t make me return the cart either if I was at the far end of the parking lot and it was raining.  But due to ever-increasing prices, we don’t need coins very much anymore and I seldom carry a selection.  If I don’t have a quarter, the shopping-cart deposit would keep me from shopping at that store.

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.