Things I Know

He’s wrong, but it may help Ted Cruz to criticize New York in the rest of the country and it doesn’t hurt him in New York.  There’s no way in hell Cruz will win the New York Republican primary and if he does get the GOP nomination, there is also no way in hell he will carry New York in November.

I believe it was so windy this morning because I put my light-weight, plastic garbage can at the curb last night.  I’m sorry.  And, many thanks to my wife, Saint Karen, who has to be a saint to put up with me.  She got up before me this morning and managed to chase the can down before it disappeared from the neighborhood.

My daughter has an idea for a new TV show.  She says TLC should have a show about people trying to recover from eating disorders, gain weight and live healthy lives.  She calls it, “My 60-Pound Life.”  She must get it from her mother, because God knows I’m completely normal.

I had an idea for a reality TV show too.  I suggested one about a family that sits around in their family room, watching TV.  My daughter tells me there has already been a show like that.

Don’t schedule an appointment with your diabetes doctor right after the holidays.  If you do, your blood tests will reveal an A1C level higher than what you usually get.  I’ve learned my lesson.

I found out what happens if you accidentally put too much milk in your scrambled eggs.  Try not to do that.

During the recently passed holiday shopping season, I purchased all gifts on line from our living room couch.  I haven’t been to a shopping mall in a months.

Just once, on a TV real estate show, when the prospective house buyers say they want space in which to entertain, I’d like them to say it needs a stage, professional lighting, a killer sound system, lots of parking and a satellite uplink.


For many years now, I’ve advocated making silly plans for what you would do if you win a big lottery.  Yes, it’s fun to dream about being suddenly rich, but my reasoning is that the chance of winning is so low that making serious plans is a waste of time, unless and until you win.

So, there’s no need to figure out in advance whether you’d pay off your nephew’s college loans, or what charity you’d contribute to, or what the goal of your personal charitable foundation would be, or what university you’d endow a professor’s chair at in order to leave your name around after you die, or where you’d move, or how many new cars you’d buy.

I have had other silly plans, but for years, I have usually maintained that if I win millions of dollars in Powerball or Mega Millions, I’ll get someone to carry my bed outside and then, I’ll jump on the bed.  Yes, I know that I’d break the bed if I jumped on it, but jumping on the bed was fun when I was a kid and if I had millions of bucks, I wouldn’t care if I broke my bed.  I’d just get a new one. Tonight, however, is different.  As I write this the Powerball jackpot is expected to be $800 million.

Absolutely nobody has asked me if I’ve changed my silly plan to accommodate the largest jackpot in US History.  Still, in response to zero interest from the general public, I am here to announce that I have changed my plan.  Tonight’s Powerball jackpot is so big that if I win, I will jump on two beds.  Maybe three.