Things I Know

  • Can’t be late for my nephew’s high school graduation tonight.  He’s the fifth kid through the line.

  • On the NPR program “”All Things Considered”” last week, New York Governor David Patterson said that on Planet Albany there is no gravity and light bends around the capital.  To digress; I think, but am not sure I got every word right, so I didn’’t put quotes around what I believe is an accurate quote.  We now return to the point I was trying to make.  Huh?  Albany is a strange place and New York State government and politics are even stranger, but if I remember what I learned in Physics, the fact that light bends around something is proof that there is gravity.

  • Here’’s a solution to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that’’s so obvious, I wonder if it’’s already been suggested.  If it has, the following just demonstrates that great minds think alike and so do I.  The separate shipping and handling is going to cost a lot, because we have to send Vince with them, but I propose we send a whole bunch of Sham Wows to Louisiana and send Vince along with them to show those people from BP how to use them to mop up spills.

  • Okay, I’’ve given you my solution to the Gulf oil spill.  Here’’s comedian Lewis Black’’s:  he thinks the United States of America should invade BP.

  • My wife gave me a shopping list and asked me to go to the local Pathmark Supermarket.  I did.  When I got home, she said she was surprised I was able to read one particular item on the list.  So was I.

  • One reason I say the weeds are winning the battle of the back yard is that I have two one-foot-high weeds growing through a crack in the floor inside my garage.  I know I have to mow the lawn or hire someone to do it, but I draw the line at mowing the garage!

  • It’’s going to be a bad year for my blueberry crop.  I neglected the bushes last year and this season, they’’re infested with scale.  I have a few blueberries ripening now, but the plan is oil spray, fertilizer and wait until next year.  Maybe I’’ll buy some more bushes too; I only have seven.

  • One thing that will help blueberries thrive is don’’t let newly planted bushes bear fruit the first year.  Another is water them enough.  If the bushes are stressed for moisture, they take it from the berries and you don’’t want to eat blueberry raisins.  They are surely among the sourest things on earth.

  • I’’m going to the doctor this week for my physical for summer camp, but when I show up in his office in a t-shirt, shorts and sandals, and say, ““Hi, I’’m here for my physical for summer camp,”” nobody laughs anymore.  I have to find a different doctor so I can return to getting a laugh when I use that old joke. 

  • I saw a young woman the other day who had small, triangular patches of sunburn near her shoulders.  I wondered what she could have worn that allowed her to get sunburned like that and then it hit me:  not odd clothing, uneven application of sunscreen. 

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.