Things I Know

Tiger Woods didn’’t hold a press conference today.  He issued a statement and made a short video or a short film or both.

A woman I know has a much better idea than Sally Field for fighting osteoporosis.  She makes her Bloody Mary and her Screwdriver using calcium-fortified juice.

Spring Training is good for two related reasons.  Baseball causes warm weather’ and you can’t have Spring Training without spring.

Pitchers and catchers reported this week.  In the Mets case, maybe only one pitcher.  Okay, two pitchers.  They have one fine starter and one fine closer too.

I claim to know the worst joke in the world, but I won’’t tell it unless someone tells me one almost as bad that I haven’’t heard before.  However, when I assert that I know the worst joke in the world, nobody who knows me has ever said anything meaning, “”You couldn’t possibly know the worst joke in the world.”  Some of my friends have asked me, “”What is it?”” though. 

This is what I know about economics.  I went to high school with someone who grew up to be a prominent economist.  That’s it. 

I’’m not buying a new lens for my new camera if the lens costs more than both of my cars are worth.  I probably will, however, buy a flash that costs twice as much as I made in a week when I got married.  I just did buy a star filter.  It’’s one of those things that causes rays to emanate from bright lights in a picture.  I want to use it to take pictures at night after a snow storm, so even though I hate winter, I hope it snows again.  If it doesn’’t, I’’ll go to a night baseball game this summer and take pictures of the stadium lights using the filter.

I learned yesterday that I know someone who is related to the president of a major league baseball team.  I’’m trying to figure out a way to capitalize on that.  My cousin met Peter O’’Malley once, but that doesn’’t help much because I wouldn’’t root for the Dodgers if you paid me, O’’Malley doesn’’t own the Dodgers anymore, and my cousin told Mr. O’’Malley he wasn’t a Dodger fan because they abandoned him in New York when he was a little kid.  Good for my cousin!

It’’s almost the end of winter and I came up with an idea for a wintertime business.  When it snows and the owner of a parking lot doesn’’t get it cleaned out, the lot gets icy and the ice is bumpy.  How about if we buy a Zamboni ™ and use it to smooth out the ice in parking lots for a fee?  As an aside, when the ice surfacing machines at the Winter Olympics broke down, they were widely reported as Zambonis™ but they weren’’t.  In fact, Zamboni™ came to the rescue.  It’’s not any ice resurfacing machine, it’s the leading brand of ice resurfacing machine and they didn’’t start out using them at the Olympics, but they switched to Zambonis™ when the machines they were using couldn’’t do the job.