Rachel from Cardholder Services

I have a theory that Rachel from Cardholder Services isn’t really working for a company called Cardholder Services, and she isn’t working for a telemarketing company calling on behalf of that company either. I think Rachel is working on behalf of telephone companies to encourage people to buy caller-ID services.

Rachel has called me three times in the past two days. I’m not that starved for human contact: It’s a Christmas present I really don’t need. I’m a little surprised that when I Googled “Rachel from Cardholder Services” I only got 42,400 hits. I’m not surprised that when I looked through the first two pages of the Google list, I didn’t find anyone praising her, and expressing the joy they feel whenever she calls (and she does call frequently). I find it hard to believe that annoying the vast majority of potential customers is an effective marketing strategy, but I guess it must be or they wouldn’t keep doing it.

I know being on the federal no call list doesn’t work to stop the calls. I know talking to a representative, telling them I’m on the federal no call list, and asking to be removed from their list doesn’t work. I’m told that dropping your land line doesn’t work either because they do call cell phones although that’s against the law too. I know selecting #2 so they won’t be calling me again doesn’t work. I’m told that if you talk to them, and ask for the contact information so you can send them a don’t call letter and begin suing them results in them hanging up on you although I haven’t tried that yet. I’ve heard the Federal Trade Commission got a multi-million-dollar judgement against the people they think are doing it, and that hasn’t worked either.

As 2011 comes to a close, I have a long list of people I’d like to annoy in 2012. Does anyone here know how I can contact Rachel? She must work inexpensively because I’m sure the number of people who buy Cardholder Services services is very low compared to the number of annoying phone calls she, and the company she works for place. Seriously, I’m plenty annoying on my own when I want to be, and if I’m not annoying enough, I’m related to more than one lawyer so I can always call on family for help. But I would like to stop Rachel.

So, here’s my suggestion with props to www.419eater.com. That website began as a way to go after the Nigerian email scam that tried to convince na├»ve people that a Nigerian government official or banker needed their help to smuggle money out of that country, and that the emailer was willing to share large amounts of money with the gullible subject in order to accomplish this. They now go after other scams too. The person or people who run that website, and the people who send suggestions to them share ways in which they waste the time of the Nigerian scammers. By the way, I don’t even know if the scammers are Nigerian. I only know they say they are. They may not be. They’re scammers after all. Reading 419eater.com is entertaining. People trying to waste scammers’ time can be very creative. 419eater.com, however, deals mostly with email scams, not annoyance phone calls.

Let’s waste Rachel’s time and the time of her cohorts who pick up the phone if you press the right button. Press the right button to talk to a representative. Be cordial. Engage the person on the other end of the phone. Ask them if they know that George Washington wasn’t born on his birthday. See if you can get them to send you something in writing or give you a call back number so you’ll have more to identify them when you file a formal complaint with the FTC. If they ask how you are, tell them you have terminal cancer, or that although the doctors amputated your leg, it still feels like it’s there, and it still hurts. Tell them that your children are being really nasty to you, and trying to rob you of your millions, or that your dog just died, and you’re really, really sad. Tell them you have to talk quickly or the attendant at the mental hospital will make you hang up the phone. Maybe even breathe heavily into the phone, but don’t descend into obscenity-laced ranting. Don’t threaten them either. I believe obscene phone calls and threats of violence are illegal, and you don’t want to break the law yourself. Ask them to hold on for a minute while you go answer the door. Tell them you’re glad they called because it gives you the opportunity to ask them if they’ve accepted the Lord, Jesus Christ as their personal God, and Savior. Be creative folks. I can’t think of everything.

In other words, waste their time. Instead of hanging up every time they call, see if you can get them to hang up every time you call. If it takes them ten minutes to deal with everyone they call, and nobody buys what they’re selling, they’ll have to stop eventually. I’m depending on you dear readers. And if that doesn’t work, maybe we can get anonymous or 4chan to take thwarting Rachel from Cardholder Services on as a cause.

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.