Things I Know

 

  • My wife, Saint Karen (she has to be a saint to put up with me), and I must be the only people for miles around who like Good & Plenty candy:  You know, the pink & white sugar coated licorice.  I say that because there’’s only one store within a couple of miles of my house that sells them,and when I buy the last package, it takes them a while to restock.

  • Whether you approve of Texas Governor Rick Perry or not, your Social Security taxes do not go into an account to pay for your retirement.  People working now are paying for the retirement benefits of people who are retired now, so in that sense, Governor Perry is correct that it is a sort of Ponzi scheme.

  • If President George W. Bush’s niece, Lauren, married designer Ralph Lauren’s son, Richard, she’’d be Lauren Lauren, and that’’s what she did.

  • If you are remodeling and staining rather than painting the woodwork, don’’t install (or let a contractor install) said woodwork before mudding and sanding the wallboard.  If you do, you’’ll only have to stain it a second time after it’’s installed.

  • My neighbor across the street has a large, beautiful crape myrtle.  It started blooming in mid August.  Because I like his so much, last year I bought one too.  Imitation is the sincerest form of imitation, I always say.  I believe mine is a slightly different variety because it burst into full bloom this past weekend.  My crape myrtle isn’’t as big as my neighbor’s is, but I am very satisfied with the way it looks and the way it’’s growing.

  • I heard that older women dress too young because they copy the way their daughters dress.  That’’s ridiculous!  My wife doesn’’t own even one black t-shirt with Rob Zombie’’s picture on it.  I do have one black t-shirt, but it has two big eyes in a yellow circle and says, “Moon equipped” on it.

  • I think I was wrong about how many utility knives I need to own before I can be sure I know where at least one of them is at all times.  I thought the number was four, but I recently discovered that I own two green ones, so now I think the number is five.

  • The Town of Smithtown Long Island has passed legislation to make residents contain bamboo on their property.  In case you’’re not aware, bamboo propagates with runners, is extremely hardy and difficult to contain or eliminate.  The Town of Islip is considering doing the same thing.  Maybe they should both get some pandas.

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.