The results of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest are in.
This didn’t win:
“The life-saving salve had not arrived to help Dr. Sybil Carter dress the mutant killer bee wounds because landslides blocked roads, the rivers were jammed by earthquake debris, and even the jungle foot paths were clogged with dead bees and their victims, yet without the medicinal unguent, many more would die, so reluctantly giving in to her promise never again to speak to her aviator ex-boyfriend, she picked up the radio and begged him to fly in the ointment.”
David K. Lynch Topanga, CA
This came in second:
“Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, ‘There goes the most noble among men’ — in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.”
Tom Wallace, Columbia, SC
In my judgment, both are better than the winner, but I’m not a judge. However, for 2011, I am a contestant. Inspired by this year’s results, I have entered the contest. I’ll let you know if I win.
Tonight, we will follow a long-standing family tradition. I’ll read the annual winners to my wife until she begs me to stop.
