Things I Know

  • Ford reported third-quarter losses of $129 million:  GM reported third quarter losses of $2.5 billion!  If it’s all in hundreds, General Motors lost over eleven-thousand pounds of money in three months!  My wife is really good at finding the things I misplace.  They should hire her to look for all that money.

  • It’s a little early for certain liberal-leaning reporters to be canonizing President-Elect Obama.  On the other hand, it’s a little late for conservative talk radio to be whining about the outcome of the election too.

  • I think it’s great that an African-American can now be elected president.  I reserve judgment on whether it’s great that this man has been elected.  I’m not crazy about some of the policies he’s advocating.

  • Nobody’s taking any notice of the fact that 200 years ago importing slaves into this country became illegal.  That’s probably because while it was a noble idea, it didn’t do anything to curtail slavery in this country and slavery is probably the biggest stain ever on America’s soul.

  • The most boring thing I’ve ever done is drive Interstate 80 west through Indiana.  I say that because I’ve driven I-80 through Indiana twice in each direction.  Both times, I noticed the sign marking the time zone boundary when heading east, but not when heading west.  It might be there, but I didn’t see it.

  • There is a semi-permanent speed trap on the New York State Thruway, headed north, just over the top of a hill around milepost 52, south of Newburgh.  I’ve seen it in operation on dozens of weekday mornings through the years.  I’m telling you this because if they’re going to do that, I think they ought to put up a toll booth and get everybody.

  • I really like the Baseball Hall of Fame.  In fact, I’m a subscribing member of the museum.  I like Cooperstown too.  It’s a pretty place, but Cooperstown must be what Ogden Nash was thinking about when he said, “You can’t get there from here.  You have to start from somewhere else.”

  • The people who run the Baseball Hall of Fame must know that Abner Doubleday didn’t invent baseball:  he doesn’t have a plaque there.

  • Every time I visit my dentist, I think of the dentist in the movie “Little Shop of Horrors.”

  • Women should put the toilet seat down:  they’re the ones who want it down.

  • Women live longer than men, on average, because when we’re all set to leave, they’re still getting ready, on average.

  • My young adult daughter told me recently that not only can she believe it’s not butter, she’s always believed it’s not butter, even as a little girl.  She’s a strange child.  I wonder who she gets it from.  I mean her mother and I are completely normal.

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.