Things I Know

  • It was a nice restaurant.  We had a good time.

  • I like some non-traditional versions of the National Anthem.  I liked Jose Feliciano’s version even though it was controversial at the time.  I liked En Vogue’s sort of doo wop version at one of President Clinton’s inaugural parties.  In fact, I wish they had recorded it.  And I know there are very few people who have enough range to sing the standard version correctly.  That being said, if you take more than a minute to sing the first stanza of the Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game, you’re trying to show off.  So the first strike-out of the 2008 World Series:  The Backstreet Boys.

  • The people I work for are using Barracuda Web Filter to suppress ads if you surf the Internet from my place of business.  They have every right to restrict what you view at work.  Not that they need my approval, but I approve.  Only thing is when the Barracuda Web Filter blocks an ad, it replaces said ad with a message that says the ad was blocked by Barracuda Web Filter.  In other words, every ad Barracuda Web Filter blocks is replaced by an ad for Barracuda Web Filter!

  • I discovered through extensive and painstaking research that I need to own four utility knives in order to know where at least one of them is at all times.  It doesn’t matter if they’re brightly colored either.  I still need four.  What’s troubling is that right now, I know where all four of them are.  That’s never happened before.

  • During election time, if I get a telephone call from someone who says they’re conducting a survey, I tell them I know how big my property is, say “thank you” and hang up.

  • And since this is the political silly season, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell all cable TV news hosts that there’s only one “n” in “pundit.”

  • If you are what you eat, I’m Pepsi Cola and pretzels; either that, or chocolate ice cream.

  • Dilbert isn’t funny, not one bit funny, not a damned bit funny, if you work for the pointy-haired guy.

  • A chain saw is very handy to have if you believe the guy in the next college dorm room is making too much noise and you need to convince him to quiet down.  But an electric chain saw won’t do.  It has to be gas powered.  Firing that thing up and touching the tip of the bar to the door of the offending dorm room is remarkably effective.

  • Anyone under the age of 30, maybe 40, would sound a lot more intelligent if they never again uttered the following four-letter word:  “LIKE.”

  • If I ever win one of those big lotteries like Mega Millions or Power Ball, I have a great plan.  I’m going to turn up the heat in my house.  And, if I win one of those big lotteries, I want you to know there will be a really big party.  I don’t want you to think you’re invited, in fact I may not show up, but there will be a party.

  • When someone says, I know (insert the name of a big shot in the company or the government here), I usually think they don’t.  If they did know that person, they’d be talking to him or her, not to me.

  • My father’s whole life was about obligation.

  • Buffalo don’t have wings, chickens don’t have fingers or nuggets, and fish certainly don’t have sticks.

  • The word “hiccough” should either be spelled the way it is or pronounced the way it is, but definitely not both!  Same thing for the word “tongue.”

  • This year is the 75th anniversary of the end of prohibition.  I didn’t hear anyone offer a toast to commemorate the event.  Did you?

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.