Things I Know

The worst invention in history is either the battery-powered amplifier or the 2008 presidential campaign.  I’m leaning toward the latter.

The crowning achievement of western civilization to date is mixed vegetables, either canned or frozen, with no lima beans in them.

There’s no “I” in “electoral.”

I hope the people who make Viagra don’t think their awful TV commercials have anything to do with the product selling well.

I know you can’t make somebody love you because if you could, everybody would make somebody love them and nobody would wait for love to happen the way it does now.

The four food groups for teenage boys are salt, sugar, carbonated and French fried.  So the perfect food for teenage boys must be heavily salted French-fried Fizzies.

The smartest thing I ever did was marry my wife.  I have no idea what the second smartest thing was.  I should be able to keep track.  It’ not like I’ve done that many smart things.  Nor do I know the smartest thing my wife ever did.  She hasn’t said.

In raising her children, my sister neglected to teach at least one of them something very, very important.  I had to tell my niece there’s no such thing as too much chocolate.  I believe there’s also no such thing as too much money, but I’m never going to get close to having even in inkling of whether I’m right about that.

Insomnia wastes more time in my life than even the Internet.

Coke or Pepsi?  Pepsi!  For me, Pepsi.  My son likes Mexican Coca Cola because it’s made with sugar, not high-fructose corn syrup.  I don’t like either Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi.  To me, Diet Coke doesn’t taste like anything.  At least Diet Pepsi tastes like soap. 

Attention airline industry:  what you’re doing isn”t working.  Try something else!  Attention investment banking industry:  What I said about the airline industry, it applies to you too, if there are any of you left.

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.