At The Hospital

I was sick a while ago.  I don’t recommend it.  I’m trying hard not to do it anymore.  If you’ve got to be sick, try not to go to a hospital.  You might, if you’re lucky, get everything you need in a hospital.  You can’t possibly get everything you (or your insurance company) pays for because it costs that much. One time I was in a hospital for about ten hours, and that hospital sent a bill to my insurance company for $31,000!  For that kind of money, they should turn the heat up a little.

While I was in the hospital, I didn’t get anything I wanted, but I did get a cold.  When I am sick, I want it dark.  I want it quiet.  I want to sleep when I want.  I want to eat what I want when I want.  Have you been in a hospital?  Did you get any of those things?  Neither did I.

I think nurses and other people who work in hospitals have a hard job.  Sick people are often contagious, so the hospital staff’s risk of catching something has to be higher than mine.  And, especially if they care about their jobs, it’s got to be tough that some people die while they’re in the hospital.  A great many of the hospital workers I encountered were very nice.  I don’t know enough to judge whether they were really good at their jobs, but I’m not in the hospital anymore, so they were good enough to suit me.

While I was in the hospital, I had time to think.  Giving me time to think is not a good idea.  I have a friend who insists that the word “askew” means the way I think. 

The pillow cases in this particular hospital were too small for the pillows.  I wonder why.  If they did that to save money on pillow cases, they ought to know you can buy small pillows too.

They stuck me with so many needles and took so much blood that I was going to invent the Hemospigot© when I got home.  I found out they already have that, but they call it something else.  Whenever the hospital staff noticed I was asleep, they sent someone around to get a blood sample, or take my blood pressure, but never both at the same time.  One time, the blood technician came around in mid-morning.  I told her she couldn’t have any of my blood because she didn’t wait until I was asleep to ask.  Around 2:00 AM, they made a lot of noise, snapped on the overhead lights and jarred me awake.  I hope they don’t do that to the heart patients.

There isn’t much on my back that anyone at the hospital wanted to examine, but that’s where the hospital gown opens.  Why?  A hospital gown that wraps around the front like a bathrobe would work better for me.  It could still have shoulder seams that snap opened, and closed if that made the designers happy.  And how about a choice of material?  Polar fleece is washable.  I’d like my hospital gowns made of polar fleece please.  I’m cold even when I’m not wearing an air conditioned hospital gown.

At the hospital, they rent TV’s for just enough money that you only balk at paying it.  You don’t refuse outright.  TV should be covered by your health insurance.  Daytime TV is a powerful incentive to get well.  Here are two additional sources of revenue for the hospital.  They should offer Internet access.  Some hotels charge ten dollars or more per day.  Imagine how much a hospital could mark that up.  They could make it a wired network if wireless N would mess with the health care machines.  They could charge extra for takeout food too.  I’m not used to eating that little food within that few hours and then going that many hours without any.  I would have paid double for a pizza, triple for a good one.  Hospital food is a powerful incentive for getting well too!

Author: Tom

I know my ABC's, I can write my name and I can count to a hundred.